Job Description...again

In his continued search for Top Job, which Mr B is beginning to think is akin to the search for the Holy Grail, he was asked the following

Do you have a passion for great design and production? Do you want to work on the development of a growing world-class brand? Are you fun?

Are you fun? Fun?? WTF has fun got to do with the efficient, timely production of design masterpieces? Also, how is 'fun' defined?

Probably as 'someone wiling to work long hours for little pay, agreeing with every asinine idea the boss has, and participating in work bonding sessions'. The 'fun' person probably delights in wasting their lunch hour eating crappy sandwiches off paper plates in the 'decorated' board-room, chatting inanely with people they despise.

But if a 'fun' person is one who enjoys drinking in pubs*, taking frequent naps, calling in sick, inventing increasingly preposterous Home Business ideas, laughing hysterically with Mrs Eaves, and consuming chips, then yes, Mr B is fun.

*and on patios, as Mr B embraces the outdoor lifestyle in summer

Useful Advice for Securing Top Job

hahahahahahaaaaaa, who cares? The end of the world is about to happen. Pass us another pint.

Lack of phone calls

Mr B is getting rather depressed. He has applied for numerous jobs* and not a single one of the fuckers has called back. Perhaps his slapdash and cynical attitude is not helping matters. He is asking for a new, positive attitude for Christmas.

*obviously using the tissue of lies that his his resume

Job Description

While Mr Baskerville is not particularly meticulous*, he found it curious that a Web Content Writer job description contained a spelling error. This is in the first paragraph of the description, just after the sentence saying that applicants need a strong command of the English language.

This could be the slapdash work environment Mr B will thrive in.

*despite claims to the contrary on his resume

Shame

There are no words to express Mr B's shame.

He does not have the font Mrs Eaves on his laptop.

He will now throw himself on his sword.

Job Descriptions

Here's a job description Mr B found today. The prospective employee must be:

Digitally curious

WTF does that actually mean? That one is open to sexual experimentation with laptops?

Cover Letter (part 2)

Mr Baskerville was looking for the elusive Top Job again* today. He hasn't found it yet, but did find a Graphic Designer job which included the following:

If you are very driven, ambitious and hardworking individual, we would love to meet you.

Clearly, we are all pretending that we are hardworking, driven blah blah blah. Surely that's a given, in fact, considering we** are actively seeking work. The unspoken assumption is that we are all hardworking etc. Isn't it the equivalent to saying "if you have a heartbeat, and an IQ of 25 or over, we would love to meet you"?

Though Mr B would love to find an actual realistic job requirement. Something along the lines of:

If you are willing to work for crappy wages, and will accept random enforced overtime, and will endure your racist homophobic boss without smacking him in the gob, then send us your resume.

And he would love, for once, to send in an honest cover letter. For instance:

I would like to apply for the position of Graphic Designer. I am barely qualified for the post, as I am neither driven nor ambitious. In fact, I much prefer calling in sick and spending the day lounging on the couch, drinking and reading. However I will make the effort until the probationary period is over. Call me!

* though, why the fuck does he bother?
** ie, everyone actually reading the job boards (unless some people just read them for entertainment)***
*** and these people are either being smug (in that they already have a job) or being smug (in that they are retired). Mr B hates smug bastards, though he longs to be one himself

Bad Attitude

I have one. It's so bad, I am not even going to write a full post. What's the point?

Cover letter (1)

Mr B found a job online which looks interesting. Possibly, the elusive Top Job. However, as you all know, he worked at a newspaper for years, and therefore is alarmed by these requirement from the job ad:

"work that demonstrates creative flair...proven experience applying theories related to colour schemes, use of space, text placement, usability...visual flow...extend existing brands..."

Basically, Mr B's long experience has left him with a portfolio containing no creative flair whatsoever, pretty much in black and white, and full of ads just stuffed with text and starbursts.

So what should he write in his cover letter? Perhaps:

"my long experience in the publishing industry has enabled me to develop my skills in creating starbursts, and the use of horizontal scale allows me to cram all the client's insane copy into a tiny, unreadable space. Visual flow has long been a passion of mine, as is clearly demonstrated in my favourite client, Killarney Market. I leave my work to speak for itself."

So, who thinks Top Job will call as soon as they get Mr B's application?

Useful Advice

Mr B, while flummoxed that he has not yet found Top Job, has decided to share some of his valuable career-procuring knowledge with his reader. Top Tips for the Top Job, if you will.

While noodling on-line, seeking Top Job, he found the following paragraph in a job description:

"We reward self-starters, firecrackers, collaborators and life enthusiasts. We can’t abide stagnancy or bureaucracy. We thrive on change and ambitious goals. Join our team!"

Now, Mr B is as ambitious as the next man* but this statement confused him. First, WTF is a 'firecracker' in this case? A person who exhibits sudden wild bursts of energy, then collapses? A person with a lot of bright ideas, which inevitably fizzle out into dull grey mediocrity? Mr B does not want to work with firecrackers, either the stuffed-with-gunpowder type or the cheerful, bubbly personality type. They would Annoy him.

Also, 'collaborators'? Surely that was the name given to those aiding the Nazis in occupied Europe? Mr B will however concede that language changes over time, and will move on. After all, no-one says 'gadzooks' anymore, either.

But 'life enthusiasts'???? I mean, really?? Is the company saying that, while they are non-discriminatory, they do not want suicidal applicants? And is 'life enthusiasm' a career, or simply a hobby or interest? Is there a certificate programme? And can one display one's enthusiasm for life in an interview situation by wearing a novelty tie? Gadzooks, this is Annoying.

*if said man is sitting in a pub

Mr B is back!

Woo! The recently-returned Mr B is back to his damp city on the north wet coast and he's looking for work. Naturally, he expects to almost immediately be headhunted by a Top Firm, to do a Top Job.

In the meantime, he will analyze his approach, and offer Useful Tips to his loyal reader. He will be helpful, and informative, because he is a People Person!

Currently, though, he is watching TV.