Job Search Techniques

Tips for Top Job

Mr Baskerville has still not found Top Job! He is sure his loyal reader is as surprised as he by this turn of events.

However, as we all know, Mr Baskerville is an upbeat, positive person*. He was recently sent some Helpful Tips for finding work, which he has decided to share.

Here's what you must do: make yourself memorable. Stand out from the crowd of other idiots desperately applying for the same job with their ludicrously creative resumes. In fact, don't bother with the whole jobsearch thing, you'll never stand out with your resume. Its a true fact** that most resumes are simply used as toilet paper by HR. They save a ton of money this way.

You must instead become so memorable that complete strangers will spontaneously offer you work. This is the equivalent of you being a scantily-clad lady in a dodgy part of town.

So how do you become memorable?

Discover your Brand

Yes, your brand! You are not just a number, you are a brand! Are you coke, perhaps? You can be the drink or the powder. Or something less common, such as ? Mr Baskerville is clearly Stoly.

Have effective conversations

Mr Baskerville is happy to chat, often for hours, down the pub over a pint or nine. So clearly he is on the Right Track! In no time he'll be offered Top Job by a random stranger in a pub.

Put yourself in unique places

Centre Ice at a playoff game would be unique, and people would certainly talk to you, probably even shout with excitement!

So, talking drunkenly while dressed as a pint of vodka could be your key to Success.

Mr Baskerville is sure that by following these tips you, too, will almost immediately be hired. Good Luck!

*this is a lie
**this, too.

SEO Tips

After extensive study, Mr Baskerville has concluded that the most popular topic on the entire internets are kittens.

Have at em:

Following Advice from Richard Branson

Mr Baskerville, as you know, is looking for Top Job. As he's currently doing freelance writing, this basically means Any Job With Healthcare. So he's been reading advice plucked randomly from the internet.

Today, he found an inspiring quote from Richard Branson, top beardy entrepreneur. Mr Baskerville has never in his entire life wished to emulate Richard Branson*. No, not even appearing on 'Friends'**.

But Sir Rich said:

unless you dream, you're not going to achieve anything

Too bloody right, you crazy balloonist! Mr Baskerville is all about dreaming. In fact, he's off for a nap right now.

*though he wishes his bank account would emulate Sir Richard's
**Mr Baskerville firmly believes that Rachel and Ross were on a break

Leadership Advice: quote from Steve Jobs

Mr Baskerville has decided to write some regular* posts with Useful Advice for jobseekers. After all, his inbox is regularly spammed by a company whose name ryhmes with Blinked In, so clearly there's a demand for the sort of wanky article which urge to to be a better, more productive, harder working person.

Mr Baskerville would like to be a hard working person. So, if anyone out there has a job they'd like him to do, just send a contract over!**

Today's unsolicited email was about 'how to be the best version of you'.

An idea that could lead to long nights clutching a vodka bottle under the bedclothes, as you shiver in the dark wondering if you are actually Mr Baskverille version 1.0, when clearly by now you should be version 5.

But enough of this metaphysical bollocks!*** Mr Baskerville is sure his reader, like himself, is secure in his identity. In fact, he is not only the best version of Mr Baskerville, but of a few other people as well. So there! Ha! Pass the vodka!!

Ahem.

The article discussed a quote from Steve Jobs:

your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life

Then it went on about being yourself, nothing worth doing is easy, blah fucking blah, we all know that. But it raised an interesting point:

Who is living Mr Baskerville's interesting life? Clearly, this one he's got going over here isn't his ideal life. He's barely employed, writing SEO articles about weight loss while stuffing chocolate down his neck, and desperately searching for a job so he can immediately start saving for his next big trip.

So where's his life, eh? If you've seen it, wondering around slightly drunk but happy, send it back. Mr Baskerville misses it.

*this is a lie
** Mr Baskerville prefers to be paid in used, small denomination notes
***Metaphysical Bollocks is the name of Mr Baskerville's band

Sample application letter for Top Job

Mr Baskerville is still looking for Top (or, really, Any) Job. He found one today on a website he won’t name directly, but it rhymes with Kraigslist.

Naturally, Mr Baskerville immediately applied for this wonderful opportunity, but because he is a generous person he’s copied his application letter here, for his loyal reader to use.

This letter addresses every single requirement from the job description.**

Dear Smadam*

I eat, breathe and sleep design excellence. In fact I hardly need to sleep at all, so don’t hesitate to ask me to work late.

I’ve created visual solutions for years and years, but not so many years that I seem too old.

I will bring my creative ideas to the team, but am also desperate to learn from your fragrant Communications Department.

I can hardly wait to translate complex concepts and data into visually compelling graphics, reports and posters. Who doesn’t enjoy looking at a pie chart? And if the data is too boring, I can always make it look like Pacman.

In addition to developing original ideas and creative solutions, I would absolutely adore to do your additional admin tasks.

I may eat, breathe and sleep design, but I live to file.

For this, I would be delighted to accept the challenging wage you offer.

Sincerely,

Mr Baskerville

*this is how the kids write Sir or Madam these days, Mr Baskerville was reliably informed by a passing youth on a skateboard, who cheerily waved farewell by raising his middle finger

**not a joke.

Interview Questions

Mr Baskerville has an interview today! Top Job? Well, any bloody job would be good at the moment.*

So in preparing for the interview, Mr Baskerville googled around. Who knew the internet was so full of Useful Advice? (other than the reader of this blog, obviously). Mr Baskerville found a list of** interview questions.

After careful*** thought, here's some Top Tips of how to answer these questions interviewers love.

Why don't you tell me about yourself?

• The interviewer basically wants an excuse to NOT hire you, exactly like an agent wants to quickly reject your query letter. So this is obviously a trick question.

• So why not be honest? Don't waste the interviewer's time on focusing on why you're qualified for this position, but instead amuse and entertain with that long story about that bar in Vladivostock, with the friendly ladies and the vodka.

How long have you been with your current employer?

• Again, be honest. "Too fucking long" is a perfectly acceptable response

What is your greatest weakness?

• Interviewers love this one, they like to see you squirm. But be strong! Don't be ashamed of your weaknesses, but embrace them!And again, don't waste time cunningly tailoring a 'weakness' to the job, showing how you can admit responsibility. Simply say "A lack of introspection" and move on.

Tell me a situation where you did not get along with a superior

• They love this one! But if you're anything like Mr Baskerville, you have a bible-length list of things your fuckwit ex boss did, so all you have to worry about here is not speaking for more than an hour.

Describe a situation where you were part of a failed project

• Clearly, we've all been part of failed projects. So take this opportunity to digress on the meaning of life itself. Are we not all failures, in the great scheme of things? 
• Or, if you're feeling upbeat****, then say that life itself can never be a failure. We've successfully struggled against the odds from the time we were a sperm, so what difference does a massive fine for missing print deadlines make?And surely we all had a good laugh about the 50% Discocunts?

What are your strengths?

• You've probably talked yourself hoarse by now, so simply say weight-lifting

What do you do when you are not working?

• Careful! This is where honesty might not be your friend. Drinking, smoking, napping are clearly not what you should say. Its probably safer to avoid any word with 'ing' in it. Consider saying you are the head of an obscure cult. This will highlight your leadership qualities.

Why did you leave your last position?

• Steady...its another trick! Simply refer them to your answer to question 3. 

Good luck!*****


*Dammit, how hard is it to pick 6 numbers?
**annoying
***brief
****Mr Baskerville can't actually remember what this feels like, but he's seen it on TV
*****you'll need it

Google Analytics

Mr Baskerville just discovered that people generally spend only 10 seconds visiting new pages.

Bye!

Webmastery?

In his attempt to find a job, Mr Baskerville has been trying to learn SEO, SEM and Google Analytics*.  So simple, the young whippersnappers at Google claim, that anyone can easily install it in minutes.

It's now been about 3 hours.

And can Mr Baskerville make Google Analytics work on this simple blog? No, no he can't. So what hope does he have of ever convincing a hapless employer that he will be a valuable member of their Digital Projects team?

This is not a rhetorical question. He actually really wants to know. He has an interview soon.

He's pretty much given up on Plan B, too, which as loyal reader will recall is winning the lottery.

* first typoed it as Googly Analytics, am still giggling.