Job Description...Top Job??

Mr Baskerville is continuing his search for Top Job. Today he found one which looked like it might even be interesting, at least some of the time!*

The job description was roughly the length of War and Peace, but Mr B ploughed through it (coincidentally, Mr B ploughed through War and Peace while working at his last job (and no, Mr B was NOT fired from said job, however surprised his reader may be (Mr B was actually very good at his job, when he could be arsed))).

Ahem. Anyway, the very last paragraph of the job description called for these skills:

Ability to effectively deal with upset or irate clients. Ability to exercise tact and discretion.

Bugger. Mr B has frequently dealt with irate clients, successfully (ie they gave up complaining and went away) but sadly he has never exercised tact and discretion. One could say his tact and discretion are unfit, flabby and never leave the sofa.

*whereas the only interesting parts of his last job were the coffee breaks with Mrs Eaves.

Top Tips for interview

Nope, I got nothing. May as well have another glass of wine.

SEO Tips

More Top Tips from Mr B...this time pertaining to SEO. SEOing, if you will. Ready?

Boobs. BOOBS! and Titties! Yes, I said TITTIES!!!

yes, Mr B has just about given up on applying for jobs he is qualified for* and is now going for Communications and Marketing. Which, apparently, means getting Young People to 'click' on one's internets.

Clicky here, we have BOOBS!

*drinking tea while sending papers to press

Interview Tips (2)

Mr B has some more interview tips for his loyal reader, based upon the interview he had on Friday. This interview did not go particularly well. Mr B came to a depressing realisation that he had not prepared sufficiently.

He did research the company, dress appropriately, and remember to shower. He was polite, non sweary, and had memorised all the lies on his resume.

However...he was asked to describe mistakes he had made in his last job, and what he learned from them. As the reader of this blog will know, Mr B has made many mistakes at work. But could he think of any he was willing to share with a prospective employer?

The infamous 'Discocunts' typo? Sending the flats with a left and right page transposed? Telling the production manager to Fuck Off? Mr B sensed these incidents would not help.

The interviewers then asked Mr B about Personality Conflicts. Mr Baskerville had many such conflicts in his last workplace. Again, with the production manager, the racist, homophobic production manager who once showed a photo of a naked woman to two of his female employees as an 'amusing joke'.

Mr B however wanted to appear like a model employee who never told anyone they were a Fucking Asshole.

He mumbled something about being a People Person, not even convincing himself. He doubts he will hear from that company again.

ess eee oh!

Mr Baskerville, in an attempt to make himself more employable, is doing some studying. His brain hurts.

However, he now knows how to make himself more popular online. Free chocolate kittens, everyone! FREE! KITTENS!!

Interview Advice

Do's and Dont's for the interview. Advice Mr Baskerville wishes he had actually followed, but never mind, there's always tomorrow. Only a day away, apparently.

Do

• take it seriously. This is your future! Your whole life depends on your convincing the pimply-faced HR person that you 'think in colour' and 'adore the clean, modern design of their website'*
• remember to iron your shirt/blouse, even if you will arrive crumpled and, most likely, a bit whiffy  the rest of your working life. The HR person loves the power s/he wielded by making you spend hours locating your iron 
• google the company (even if done frantically in the train on your way to the interview). They like it if you appear interested
• similarly, ask pertinent questions about their company. Clearly, you won't be arsed to think of any, so fall back on 'that's fascinating. And where do you see the company five years ahead?'
• maintain a high level of paranoia, especially if you and the other candidates are left together. This will be taped. Be especially aware if there is a mirror in the room. 
• be respectful. I can't stress this enough. Shake hands, bow, fuck it, why not salute?**
• bring gifts. Who doesn't like a bribe?

Don't

• listen to the advice of your stoner flatmate and have a relaxing spliff before leaving. You will not be jittery with nerves, but on the other hand you really won't give a fuck if you get the job or not
• take it too seriously. Really, the whole interview process is just bollocks, you are lying, the HR person is lying, and you would all be a hell of a lot better off down the pub
• forget their name. And if you do, don't make a wild guess and say a name at random because you will inevitably have got it wrong. Not everyone is called Mike
• mention that you only want their paycheque because your writing isn't lucrative. Just don't. This never leads to promotion

*don't worry about convincing them you want to work long hours for low pay, with the merest hint of a two week vacation after working for a year. They already know this.

**not the Nazi salute though. This wouldn't even work for Prince Harry

Job Description (5)

Searching for Top Job again today and found this sentence nestled within a job description:

We believe everybody deserves an opportunity; however, if you are struggling financially, this might not be the right time to apply. 

So basically, the job pays less than peanuts. The company wants enthusiastic, dynamic people people willing to work for sweet FA.

Mr B is about to give up and go live in a cardboard box in the park.

Job description (4)

Well, the search for the Holy Grail continues. Mr Baskerville feels old and unemployable in the industry he's 'worked' for so many years. He is trying to update his skills, but in the meantime is facing the fact that he will have to apply for temp admin roles.

This fills him with fear and loathing. Because in order to be employed, he must demonstrate that he is

comfortable and warm on the phone, and enjoys being the first point of contact

WTF does 'warm on the phone' mean? That he answers all calls while huddled in his coat, Russian-style fur hat on his head? And regarding first point of contact, Mr B has seen many, many sci-fi movies and therefore knows that first contact almost never ends well.

The description then burbles on to claim

This is an exciting opportunity

No, no it's not.

Job Description (3)

Mr Baskerville is keeping his New Year's Resolutions, and is hot on the trail of Top Job*. However, interpreting some of the job descriptions is challenging. For instance, this:

Proactive thinking and initiative is an absolute must. You will be polished, professional, and able to deal with very demanding individuals. 

This clearly translates to:

You will be dealing with disorganized, petulant dickheads who couldn't manage a piss up in a brewery. Your duties include composing their emails, writing their presentations, meeting their deadlines, and extracting their heads from their asses. 

*still no sign of the Holy Grail though

Resolutions

Mr B is posting his resolutions here, in an* attempt to shame him into keeping them.

• apply to Top Job**
• re-watch all 10 seasons of Stargate:SG1
• eat healthier
• redefine 'healthy' to include all chocolate products
• be hired at Top Job
• purchase appropriate work clothes
• determine the POV of his novel (this has already changed 3 times)
• learn to program in Python
• exercise at least 5 times per week
• finish writing novel
• keep Top Job
• locate Holy Grail***

*undoubtedly vain
**if he ever finds effing Top Job to apply for
***why the hell not, he has about as much chance of keeping this resolution as any of the others****
****except the SG1 one