The Writing Life: Mistakes to Avoid - Reading

As his loyal reader already knows, Mr Baskerville is writing a series of helpful* posts for writers. There are many writing blogs on the internets, full of actual advice and useful tips. Google them, and spend many happy hours reading about writing rather than typing a single word. Hey, it's research!

So, writers, use Mr Baskerville's process as a deterrent. Simply do not do what he has done.

Reading Widely

We all know we should read widely in our genre, and also should probably read a few classics every now and then, if only to show off at dinner parties.**  But there are a couple of downsides to this:

1. You will become so immersed in the book you're reading that you have no time for your own writing. 
2. If it's a series, you will  then have to read everything else the author has written.*** You will eventually emerge, blinking, from your 12 book binge, and won't be able to write anything in your own voice for at least 5 years.
3. You realize that you will never ever write anything as good as this, so why even bother, and may as well open another bottle while I finish this chapter...oh bugger it's 2am
4. You realize that the book you're reading is absolute bollocks and you despair at the industry which publishes this drivel****

*or not, choice is yours
**does drunkenly ranting about that sulky arsehole in Troy count as an enviable display of erudition? No, Mr Baskerville didn't think so either.
***Robin Hobb, I'm looking at you.
****50 Shades of Shite, I'm looking at you.

Brother

Happy Birthday Michael!!!

Skimming Content

Mr Baskerville has received yet another email linking to an article of handy tips to make him a better writer. Apparently, we merely skim content, not reading every lovingly-crafted word, but flicking our eyes down the page to get an overview.

Money can't buy you love

Mr Baskerville does this too, of course. In the interest of full disclosure, he didn't even read every word of the article. In fact it's a pretty good bet that he won't read every word of this blog before posting*.

But it can buy gold watches and luxury yachts

Mr Baskerville has used his extensive understanding of human nature to carefully prepare this post. There is a message** in this post which you, loyal reader, will understand without reading every word! In fact he could probably stuff a few paragraphs with totally unconnected information without losing any impact whatsoever.

Once you've got those covered

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You'll be fighting love off with a stick

Yes, Mr Baskerville is just that good. You all know what he's talking about, right?

*yes, yes, he lied on his resume about proofing meticulously. He's actually amazed he managed to spell meticulously correctly. Or did he??? You decide.
**cunningly hidden
Subheads are an admiring homage to despair.com. Or outright theft, whichever

The Writing Life: Mistakes to Avoid - Wine

Mr Baskerville, because he's such a people person, is offering advice for writers. Writing advice on the internets, you say? Almost as rare as pictures of cats.

Please note, Mr Baskerville is not a published writer, in fact he's still in the middle of writing his novel. He has made many* mistakes in his own writing process. Fuck it, he frequently makes mistakes in his tweets.

So why take advice from Mr Baskerville? This: use Mr Baskerville as a horrible warning. Simply read about his process, and do the reverse!

In Vino Veritas

Truth in wine...this is a lie. Mr Baskerville loves wine. Love in fact is not a strong enough verb to describe Mr B's relationship with the divine grape. Perhaps obsessed would be more accurate** verb. And we all know, verbs are the heartbeat of the sentence!***

But while Mr Baskerville was convinced that wine and writing went together like cheese and toast, they in fact go together like fish and bicycles. Mr Baskerville has written thousands of words while sipping from his pint glass. Perhaps millions!

But when re-read in the cold light of day, these words did not sparkle on the page like a pansy-ass vampire. No, they read like cheerful drunken rambling full of conversation but very little plot.

The only way wine and writing will combine successfully for Mr Baskerville is if every reader is handed a large glass of grenache with every chapter.


*oh, so very many
**Mr Baskerville's obsession with wine is similar to Henry VIII's obsession with begetting a male heir, only with fewer beheadings
***actual writing advice, but Mr B did not coin that phrase. He'd credit whoever did if he could remember, or be arsed to look it up.

The Writing Life: Mistakes to Avoid - Winning Awards

As Mr Baskerville's reader may recall, he is writing a series of helpful posts for writers.

Writers! Simply avoid doing anything Mr Baskerville has done in his own writing process, and your success is guaranteed.*

Daydreaming

It's a well-known fact that writers love to daydream.

While at work, writers daydream about being able to write all day at home, sipping the beverage of their choice (from a pint glass, naturally, as this is more efficient) and tapping lovingly on the keyboard as thousands of words per day flow from their fertile imagination.

And when they are at home, writers daydream about winning awards, topping bestseller lists, and being able to purchase their own castle with wine cellar/moat.

Mr Baskerville has whiled away many a happy hour at his desk, planning his future. You can learn from his mistakes, dear reader! Do not outline a future of acceptance speeches and swanky nightclubs** but instead outline your novel. Do not dream about chatting to Jon Stewart***, but chat to your characters instead.

Talk back

Mr Baskerville has another warning here. Yes, chat to your characters to understand their motivations, flesh out their backstory, and learn their history but do not chat to your characters in order to learn their drink preferences, their TV preferences, and their favourite positions in bed. You will end up accidentally writing pron.

*This is a lie. Please don't sue him.
**For reasons best unexplained, Mr Baskerville is always wearing sequinned outfits.
***Even Mr Baskerville is aware that Jon has left the Daily Show, but what the hell, this is his daydream, OK? And don't tell anyone, but sometimes Mr B daydreams about appearing on Ellen.

The Writing Life: Mistakes to Avoid - Introduction

Mr Baskerville has been writing a novel for a looooong time. Seriously, we're talking years. And when he says 'writing' he actually means 'thinking about writing while opening another bottle' but still. All writers out there will understand.

Because Mr Baskerville is such a giving, friendly, people person (see his resume), he has decided to embark on a new blog series: The Writing Life: Mistakes to Avoid.

Don't as I Do

Mr Baskerville has made a fucking ton of mistakes in his writing life. Mistakes from which you, dear reader, can benefit. Simply do the opposite of what Mr B has done, and your novel will be complete, you'll be snapped up by an agent, and you'll be swanning around on the bestseller lists by this time next year.*

This advice will** be helpful for writers of all genres, including non-fiction. And it will leave Mr B with a feeling of accomplishment as he goes on his merry way, typing drunkenly and wondering if this article about mortgage brokers would benefit from the inclusion of dragons.***


*Please note, Mr B is prone to making grandiose claims (again, see his resume)
**Or maybe not
***True story

The Importance of Focusing Attenti - oooh, shiny

As part of his job search, Mr Baskerville has been researching.* He, like everyone else with an email account, gets unsolicited advice purporting to Help him with his Career. He also gets emails offering to grow areas of his body he'd rather keep private (and yes, the clue is in the name), but he digresses. As is his wont.

Anyway, he read an article about brand marketing. Apparently, the average human attention span is now less than the average goldfish attention span. A GOLDFISH, people! Goldfish have a 9 second attention span, and we have less than that! FFS.

Though, how do we know? Maybe the fish were lying, as to election-day pollsters. Do goldfish lie? Are any aquatic species famous for their veracity? Are whales more truthful? Should we maybe survey whales instead?

Mr B is well aware that his entire readership has clicked away by now. Also, he hasn't got a fucking clue what he was talking about, or what his ultimate point should be. Frankly, he doubts he ever had a point.

But! Fear not, dear reader, there is a solution! The clue is visual storytelling.

Thank fuck for that. Mr B can now happily sit about reading comic books all day, secure in the knowledge that he's better than a goldfish.


*ie, randomly googling**
**Mr Baskerville would love it if his own name became a verb. 'To baskerville', meaning to avoid doing anything productive. Example: Look at that lazy arse, he's been baskervilling all day and hasn't written a word.

Interview Thank You Letter

After a long hiatus, Mr Baskerville is again looking for a job. He hates his current boss, who is lazy, drinks too much, and spends most of the day randomly googling.*

Mr B actually had an interview yesterday, for a job which seemed vaguely interesting! Yes, he was shocked too.

After exhaustive research (he asked Mrs Eaves) Mr B has decided to send a thank you letter to the interviewers. Yes, this is highly wanky and yes, Mr B threw up in his mouth a little at the very thought but still, he really could do with the money from a full time job.

Interview Thank You Letter Mr Baskerville should write

Dear Insert Name Here
Thank you for meeting with me yesterday about the technical writer position. I enjoyed learning more about the company.
I would be thrilled to work for your company, and hope to meet you again.
Sincerely
Mr B

Interview Thank You Letter Mr Baskerville wants to write

Dear Insert Name Here
Thank you for making me travel all that way for the interview. It was so interesting to see so much of the city's dying industry. Boy, those graffiti artists are excellent!
After our conversation, it will be clear to you that I am utterly unqualified for the job. You could perhaps tell, as out of all the skills you need, the only skill I possess is having a valid passport. As you may remember, I went that extra step and informed you I have TWO valid passports!
However, if my faked enthusiasm and nonexistent technical experience impressed you, please hire me.
Sincerely
Mr B

Interview Thank You Letter Mr Baskerville actually wrote

Dear Smadam
Thank you for interviewing me. It was a joy.
Please please please please pretty please hire me.
Sincerely
Mr B
PS Hope you enjoy the homemade cupcakes, enclosed.
PPS Hope you are not allergic to food

*Mr B is self-employed.