Sample Cover Letter

Mr Baskerville did not get the job! He fully expects you are as amazed as he is.* And after yet again failing to select 6 winning numbers, he is back looking for work.

Mr Baskerville knows that hiring managers are busy, important people who probably won't read more than a couple of sentences. So why waste their time with well-crafted descriptions of your former work-related triumphs? Mr B has managed to distill his 18 years of publishing industry experience into one succinct sentence.

Adapt this for your own job hunts, or just copy and paste it directly into your email, whatever works for you.

Dear Sir,**

I am a detail-oriented, self-starting team player, motivated towards effectively communicating my problem-solving goals while thinking in colour, dreaming of typefaces, and longing to enter your data.***

Sincerely,
Mr B

*not very, actually.
**Mr Baskerville knows he should find the actual name, but he cannot be arsed. And a quick internet search tells him that most hiring managers are men. So you have about 50% chance of being right. Besides, we all know women just love being mistaken for men, so you're probably on a winner either way.
***not a euphemism, though it should be

Second Interview Thank You Letter

Mr Baskerville is nothing if not polite. So he knows how important it is to write a thank you letter after your second interview.

Here's one you can adapt for your own situation.

Dear Smadam,*

It was an absolute delight to meet you earlier today. I can't imagine a better way to spend my time. It totally made up for the hours I spent on transit, wearing uncomfortable clothes.

I thoroughly enjoyed hearing your comments on the industry. You are so right. You should be the President.

I'm delighted that the job description has changed--as you know, I love a challenge.** You described the intricacies of this fascinating role with such skill that I now long to work there. The filing! The unexpected extra duties!! And yes, of course my hours are flexible!!! It goes without saying that if you need, I'll be happy to sleep under my desk so I'm on call, 24/7.

Again, it was an honour to meet you.

I long to hear from you. Call anytime!

Sincerely***
Mr Baskerville [don't forget to insert your own name here]

PS I've installed a coop, in case you'd rather communicate by homing pigeon.

Mr Baskerville fully expects to hear within the hour that he has been hired.

*Don't worry if you've forgotten the interviewer's name. You know they've forgotten yours.
**Again, don't worry that this is a lie.
***see above [**]

Second Interview Questions part 1: Career Goals

Mr Baskerville has a second interview today, for what is unlikely to be Top Job, but is better than No Job. So, woo!*

Clearly, there will be more questions. And just as clearly, the truth must remain out there, and not come anywhere the interview. In the current economic climate**, Mr Baskerville knows there are others also seeking work, so has put together this Helpful Guide for answering second interview questions.

Second Interview Questions

There will be questions about your Career Goals. Here are some examples:

Start with your graduation, and explain the rationale behind each of your career moves

This must be a trick. If Mr Baskerville had any sort of rationale, would he be here interviewing for this crappy job? No, he would be a General by now.
In reality, Mr Baskerville took a degree which interested him***, then bummed around travelling, then stumbled into a magazine job and confusedly careened through the publishing world, ending up bitter, drunk, and downsized.

How many hours a day/week do you need to work, to get the job done?

Aha, another trick! The honest answer clearly is: as few as possible. But don't be tempted into truth! Pick your age, multiply it by pi, and confidently say that number.

How do you measure success?

Do not mention gold bars, dodgy diamonds, or young grateful ladies (or men, whichever). Instead say success is a state of mind. If kittens everywhere are happy, and every chicken has pot, then my work here is done. Or something. If you panic, just mention the Dali Lama.

Describe your dream job

If you value your career (and possibly freedom) do NOT describe your dream job. Or at least, not if you are anything like Mr Baskerville, whose dream job is a haze of books, wine, naps, and of course dodgy diamonds. Simply regurgitate the wanky job description for this job. You dream of low paid, long hours of filing, right? 

*this is Mr Baskerville being upbeat, and positive.
**clearly, the depths of winter
***his first mistake

Job Search Techniques

Tips for Top Job

Mr Baskerville has still not found Top Job! He is sure his loyal reader is as surprised as he by this turn of events.

However, as we all know, Mr Baskerville is an upbeat, positive person*. He was recently sent some Helpful Tips for finding work, which he has decided to share.

Here's what you must do: make yourself memorable. Stand out from the crowd of other idiots desperately applying for the same job with their ludicrously creative resumes. In fact, don't bother with the whole jobsearch thing, you'll never stand out with your resume. Its a true fact** that most resumes are simply used as toilet paper by HR. They save a ton of money this way.

You must instead become so memorable that complete strangers will spontaneously offer you work. This is the equivalent of you being a scantily-clad lady in a dodgy part of town.

So how do you become memorable?

Discover your Brand

Yes, your brand! You are not just a number, you are a brand! Are you coke, perhaps? You can be the drink or the powder. Or something less common, such as ? Mr Baskerville is clearly Stoly.

Have effective conversations

Mr Baskerville is happy to chat, often for hours, down the pub over a pint or nine. So clearly he is on the Right Track! In no time he'll be offered Top Job by a random stranger in a pub.

Put yourself in unique places

Centre Ice at a playoff game would be unique, and people would certainly talk to you, probably even shout with excitement!

So, talking drunkenly while dressed as a pint of vodka could be your key to Success.

Mr Baskerville is sure that by following these tips you, too, will almost immediately be hired. Good Luck!

*this is a lie
**this, too.

SEO Tips

After extensive study, Mr Baskerville has concluded that the most popular topic on the entire internets are kittens.

Have at em:

Following Advice from Richard Branson

Mr Baskerville, as you know, is looking for Top Job. As he's currently doing freelance writing, this basically means Any Job With Healthcare. So he's been reading advice plucked randomly from the internet.

Today, he found an inspiring quote from Richard Branson, top beardy entrepreneur. Mr Baskerville has never in his entire life wished to emulate Richard Branson*. No, not even appearing on 'Friends'**.

But Sir Rich said:

unless you dream, you're not going to achieve anything

Too bloody right, you crazy balloonist! Mr Baskerville is all about dreaming. In fact, he's off for a nap right now.

*though he wishes his bank account would emulate Sir Richard's
**Mr Baskerville firmly believes that Rachel and Ross were on a break

Leadership Advice: quote from Steve Jobs

Mr Baskerville has decided to write some regular* posts with Useful Advice for jobseekers. After all, his inbox is regularly spammed by a company whose name ryhmes with Blinked In, so clearly there's a demand for the sort of wanky article which urge to to be a better, more productive, harder working person.

Mr Baskerville would like to be a hard working person. So, if anyone out there has a job they'd like him to do, just send a contract over!**

Today's unsolicited email was about 'how to be the best version of you'.

An idea that could lead to long nights clutching a vodka bottle under the bedclothes, as you shiver in the dark wondering if you are actually Mr Baskverille version 1.0, when clearly by now you should be version 5.

But enough of this metaphysical bollocks!*** Mr Baskerville is sure his reader, like himself, is secure in his identity. In fact, he is not only the best version of Mr Baskerville, but of a few other people as well. So there! Ha! Pass the vodka!!

Ahem.

The article discussed a quote from Steve Jobs:

your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life

Then it went on about being yourself, nothing worth doing is easy, blah fucking blah, we all know that. But it raised an interesting point:

Who is living Mr Baskerville's interesting life? Clearly, this one he's got going over here isn't his ideal life. He's barely employed, writing SEO articles about weight loss while stuffing chocolate down his neck, and desperately searching for a job so he can immediately start saving for his next big trip.

So where's his life, eh? If you've seen it, wondering around slightly drunk but happy, send it back. Mr Baskerville misses it.

*this is a lie
** Mr Baskerville prefers to be paid in used, small denomination notes
***Metaphysical Bollocks is the name of Mr Baskerville's band

Sample application letter for Top Job

Mr Baskerville is still looking for Top (or, really, Any) Job. He found one today on a website he won’t name directly, but it rhymes with Kraigslist.

Naturally, Mr Baskerville immediately applied for this wonderful opportunity, but because he is a generous person he’s copied his application letter here, for his loyal reader to use.

This letter addresses every single requirement from the job description.**

Dear Smadam*

I eat, breathe and sleep design excellence. In fact I hardly need to sleep at all, so don’t hesitate to ask me to work late.

I’ve created visual solutions for years and years, but not so many years that I seem too old.

I will bring my creative ideas to the team, but am also desperate to learn from your fragrant Communications Department.

I can hardly wait to translate complex concepts and data into visually compelling graphics, reports and posters. Who doesn’t enjoy looking at a pie chart? And if the data is too boring, I can always make it look like Pacman.

In addition to developing original ideas and creative solutions, I would absolutely adore to do your additional admin tasks.

I may eat, breathe and sleep design, but I live to file.

For this, I would be delighted to accept the challenging wage you offer.

Sincerely,

Mr Baskerville

*this is how the kids write Sir or Madam these days, Mr Baskerville was reliably informed by a passing youth on a skateboard, who cheerily waved farewell by raising his middle finger

**not a joke.

Interview Questions

Mr Baskerville has an interview today! Top Job? Well, any bloody job would be good at the moment.*

So in preparing for the interview, Mr Baskerville googled around. Who knew the internet was so full of Useful Advice? (other than the reader of this blog, obviously). Mr Baskerville found a list of** interview questions.

After careful*** thought, here's some Top Tips of how to answer these questions interviewers love.

Why don't you tell me about yourself?

• The interviewer basically wants an excuse to NOT hire you, exactly like an agent wants to quickly reject your query letter. So this is obviously a trick question.

• So why not be honest? Don't waste the interviewer's time on focusing on why you're qualified for this position, but instead amuse and entertain with that long story about that bar in Vladivostock, with the friendly ladies and the vodka.

How long have you been with your current employer?

• Again, be honest. "Too fucking long" is a perfectly acceptable response

What is your greatest weakness?

• Interviewers love this one, they like to see you squirm. But be strong! Don't be ashamed of your weaknesses, but embrace them!And again, don't waste time cunningly tailoring a 'weakness' to the job, showing how you can admit responsibility. Simply say "A lack of introspection" and move on.

Tell me a situation where you did not get along with a superior

• They love this one! But if you're anything like Mr Baskerville, you have a bible-length list of things your fuckwit ex boss did, so all you have to worry about here is not speaking for more than an hour.

Describe a situation where you were part of a failed project

• Clearly, we've all been part of failed projects. So take this opportunity to digress on the meaning of life itself. Are we not all failures, in the great scheme of things? 
• Or, if you're feeling upbeat****, then say that life itself can never be a failure. We've successfully struggled against the odds from the time we were a sperm, so what difference does a massive fine for missing print deadlines make?And surely we all had a good laugh about the 50% Discocunts?

What are your strengths?

• You've probably talked yourself hoarse by now, so simply say weight-lifting

What do you do when you are not working?

• Careful! This is where honesty might not be your friend. Drinking, smoking, napping are clearly not what you should say. Its probably safer to avoid any word with 'ing' in it. Consider saying you are the head of an obscure cult. This will highlight your leadership qualities.

Why did you leave your last position?

• Steady...its another trick! Simply refer them to your answer to question 3. 

Good luck!*****


*Dammit, how hard is it to pick 6 numbers?
**annoying
***brief
****Mr Baskerville can't actually remember what this feels like, but he's seen it on TV
*****you'll need it

Google Analytics

Mr Baskerville just discovered that people generally spend only 10 seconds visiting new pages.

Bye!

Webmastery?

In his attempt to find a job, Mr Baskerville has been trying to learn SEO, SEM and Google Analytics*.  So simple, the young whippersnappers at Google claim, that anyone can easily install it in minutes.

It's now been about 3 hours.

And can Mr Baskerville make Google Analytics work on this simple blog? No, no he can't. So what hope does he have of ever convincing a hapless employer that he will be a valuable member of their Digital Projects team?

This is not a rhetorical question. He actually really wants to know. He has an interview soon.

He's pretty much given up on Plan B, too, which as loyal reader will recall is winning the lottery.

* first typoed it as Googly Analytics, am still giggling.

Group work is fun!!!

Mr Baskerville has recently learned that, despite claims that he 'enjoys teamwork'* he actually hates working with others. Mrs Eaves - and everyone he's ever worked with - will probably not be surprised, but his months and months of unemployment have somehow engendered a rose-tinted** memory of work.

Mr Baskerville is currently taking an online course, as part of his Plan for a career! Yes, an actual plan. This is Plan B. Plan A is, obviously, a lottery win.

However, he has to work with a group. And they are annoying. It is seemingly impossible for more than one person to actually follow simple instructions. There is no chain of command, hence, it is like herding cats.

Mr B only likes being part of a group if he is in charge.

*see the creative writing sample that is his resume

**kind of like beer goggles

Jobscam scum

Today Mr Baskerville, in his continuing hunt for Top Job*, applied for a temp blog writing position. It was for a "health" supplement. Anyway, Mr Baskerville thought that he could create articles extolling the benefit of healthy eating, and exercise, and could mention the client's product as part of a healthy diet.**

So he sent off his resume, all hopeful and eager***, and was delighted when he received a reply, saying he seemed like an excellent fit for the position, and his writing samples were fantastic!

After a quick Snoopy Dance Mr Baskerville read further, and discovered that in order for him to create blog posts extolling this particular product, he first had to purchase it, by clicking on the link helpfully provided.

And sending his credit card info.

Bollocks. Excitement rapidly segued into rage, and Mr Baskerville had to consume a large bar of chocolate and several cups of tea before he calmed down.

Hey, Cadbury's, if you're reading this Mr Baskerville will be delighted to extol your product. You don't even need to pay him money, he'll do it for the chocolate.

*though really, the Holy Grail is becoming a more likely find
**does that make him a ho?
***he's hopeful and eager every day, excitedly scanning the job boards and composing cover letters, till the cold reality of the economic situation kicks him in the teeth.

Job Descriptions

The company, apparently, 'swings for home runs'*. WTF? WTFingF? Can't we at least take it as read that any company wants to be successful? It's the equivalent of Mr Baskerville saying in his resume that his goals include breathing, eating and seeking shelter at night.

The job description goes on to claim that they want to hire candidates with a demonstrated record of curiosity. Is this a veiled plea for Dogging enthusiasts?

Mr B is not going to apply.

*Given, of course, that the company is not actually manufacturing baseball bats, players, or steriods

Pants on Fire

Today Mr Baskerville sent out a cover letter including the phrase "I look forward to producing design solutions to communicate corporate messages with high visual impact."

He does not even know what that means. He would have a lot more luck it was to communicate corporate massages.

He could write that ad in no time, probably incorporating a large starburst. All he'd need would be the words "Happy Ending" luridly displayed. In fact, "Happy Endings" and a phone number, job done.

Mr Baskerville has often thought his talents are wasted (well, currently they are wasted in unemployment) on newspaper and magazine ads. He should be marketing pron. He has a way with words and a well developed sense of humour, and what more could you possibly need?

Obviously the actual actors need other attributes to be well developed, but that is not Mr B's concern. Luckily.

Moved

Mr Baskerville was busy moving house recently. He therefore has not had time to blog or twat. No, he has been busy, sitting on the floor surrounded by all his boxed possessions, drinking wine and reading Stargate fanfic.

Job Description...Top Job??

Mr Baskerville is continuing his search for Top Job. Today he found one which looked like it might even be interesting, at least some of the time!*

The job description was roughly the length of War and Peace, but Mr B ploughed through it (coincidentally, Mr B ploughed through War and Peace while working at his last job (and no, Mr B was NOT fired from said job, however surprised his reader may be (Mr B was actually very good at his job, when he could be arsed))).

Ahem. Anyway, the very last paragraph of the job description called for these skills:

Ability to effectively deal with upset or irate clients. Ability to exercise tact and discretion.

Bugger. Mr B has frequently dealt with irate clients, successfully (ie they gave up complaining and went away) but sadly he has never exercised tact and discretion. One could say his tact and discretion are unfit, flabby and never leave the sofa.

*whereas the only interesting parts of his last job were the coffee breaks with Mrs Eaves.

Top Tips for interview

Nope, I got nothing. May as well have another glass of wine.

SEO Tips

More Top Tips from Mr B...this time pertaining to SEO. SEOing, if you will. Ready?

Boobs. BOOBS! and Titties! Yes, I said TITTIES!!!

yes, Mr B has just about given up on applying for jobs he is qualified for* and is now going for Communications and Marketing. Which, apparently, means getting Young People to 'click' on one's internets.

Clicky here, we have BOOBS!

*drinking tea while sending papers to press

Interview Tips (2)

Mr B has some more interview tips for his loyal reader, based upon the interview he had on Friday. This interview did not go particularly well. Mr B came to a depressing realisation that he had not prepared sufficiently.

He did research the company, dress appropriately, and remember to shower. He was polite, non sweary, and had memorised all the lies on his resume.

However...he was asked to describe mistakes he had made in his last job, and what he learned from them. As the reader of this blog will know, Mr B has made many mistakes at work. But could he think of any he was willing to share with a prospective employer?

The infamous 'Discocunts' typo? Sending the flats with a left and right page transposed? Telling the production manager to Fuck Off? Mr B sensed these incidents would not help.

The interviewers then asked Mr B about Personality Conflicts. Mr Baskerville had many such conflicts in his last workplace. Again, with the production manager, the racist, homophobic production manager who once showed a photo of a naked woman to two of his female employees as an 'amusing joke'.

Mr B however wanted to appear like a model employee who never told anyone they were a Fucking Asshole.

He mumbled something about being a People Person, not even convincing himself. He doubts he will hear from that company again.

ess eee oh!

Mr Baskerville, in an attempt to make himself more employable, is doing some studying. His brain hurts.

However, he now knows how to make himself more popular online. Free chocolate kittens, everyone! FREE! KITTENS!!

Interview Advice

Do's and Dont's for the interview. Advice Mr Baskerville wishes he had actually followed, but never mind, there's always tomorrow. Only a day away, apparently.

Do

• take it seriously. This is your future! Your whole life depends on your convincing the pimply-faced HR person that you 'think in colour' and 'adore the clean, modern design of their website'*
• remember to iron your shirt/blouse, even if you will arrive crumpled and, most likely, a bit whiffy  the rest of your working life. The HR person loves the power s/he wielded by making you spend hours locating your iron 
• google the company (even if done frantically in the train on your way to the interview). They like it if you appear interested
• similarly, ask pertinent questions about their company. Clearly, you won't be arsed to think of any, so fall back on 'that's fascinating. And where do you see the company five years ahead?'
• maintain a high level of paranoia, especially if you and the other candidates are left together. This will be taped. Be especially aware if there is a mirror in the room. 
• be respectful. I can't stress this enough. Shake hands, bow, fuck it, why not salute?**
• bring gifts. Who doesn't like a bribe?

Don't

• listen to the advice of your stoner flatmate and have a relaxing spliff before leaving. You will not be jittery with nerves, but on the other hand you really won't give a fuck if you get the job or not
• take it too seriously. Really, the whole interview process is just bollocks, you are lying, the HR person is lying, and you would all be a hell of a lot better off down the pub
• forget their name. And if you do, don't make a wild guess and say a name at random because you will inevitably have got it wrong. Not everyone is called Mike
• mention that you only want their paycheque because your writing isn't lucrative. Just don't. This never leads to promotion

*don't worry about convincing them you want to work long hours for low pay, with the merest hint of a two week vacation after working for a year. They already know this.

**not the Nazi salute though. This wouldn't even work for Prince Harry

Job Description (5)

Searching for Top Job again today and found this sentence nestled within a job description:

We believe everybody deserves an opportunity; however, if you are struggling financially, this might not be the right time to apply. 

So basically, the job pays less than peanuts. The company wants enthusiastic, dynamic people people willing to work for sweet FA.

Mr B is about to give up and go live in a cardboard box in the park.

Job description (4)

Well, the search for the Holy Grail continues. Mr Baskerville feels old and unemployable in the industry he's 'worked' for so many years. He is trying to update his skills, but in the meantime is facing the fact that he will have to apply for temp admin roles.

This fills him with fear and loathing. Because in order to be employed, he must demonstrate that he is

comfortable and warm on the phone, and enjoys being the first point of contact

WTF does 'warm on the phone' mean? That he answers all calls while huddled in his coat, Russian-style fur hat on his head? And regarding first point of contact, Mr B has seen many, many sci-fi movies and therefore knows that first contact almost never ends well.

The description then burbles on to claim

This is an exciting opportunity

No, no it's not.

Job Description (3)

Mr Baskerville is keeping his New Year's Resolutions, and is hot on the trail of Top Job*. However, interpreting some of the job descriptions is challenging. For instance, this:

Proactive thinking and initiative is an absolute must. You will be polished, professional, and able to deal with very demanding individuals. 

This clearly translates to:

You will be dealing with disorganized, petulant dickheads who couldn't manage a piss up in a brewery. Your duties include composing their emails, writing their presentations, meeting their deadlines, and extracting their heads from their asses. 

*still no sign of the Holy Grail though

Resolutions

Mr B is posting his resolutions here, in an* attempt to shame him into keeping them.

• apply to Top Job**
• re-watch all 10 seasons of Stargate:SG1
• eat healthier
• redefine 'healthy' to include all chocolate products
• be hired at Top Job
• purchase appropriate work clothes
• determine the POV of his novel (this has already changed 3 times)
• learn to program in Python
• exercise at least 5 times per week
• finish writing novel
• keep Top Job
• locate Holy Grail***

*undoubtedly vain
**if he ever finds effing Top Job to apply for
***why the hell not, he has about as much chance of keeping this resolution as any of the others****
****except the SG1 one